At this year’s small boats regatta Selwyn entered with considerable force, with Lizzy “Guns” Johnstone in the single, and Danny and Tom “stern pair”/ “get a room”/ “does my bum look big in this” in the pair. Most importantly though, in the premier event of Lowe mixed double sculls, were the dream-team of Vicky “Blue Boat/Tall One/Burp-a-saur” Shaw and Dave “Fatty/Ergs don’t float/Back in my day” Barton.
With incredible skill and tenacity the mixed double scull dream team of Vicky and Dave (who we will now refer to as mdsdtovad) managed to enter the competition. Having never been in a double before (Vicky having never sculled, Dave never raced) it was clear some training was in order. However, given how hard training is mdsdtovad came up with a better idea in true sporting fashion. Deftly and gracefully we attempted to re-arrange the draw so that we would win the competition without ever getting into the boat. However, the guard dogs at CUCBC were too tenacious, and the foes in our division too numerous to be avoidable so we got to work.
Vicky went to the mysterious land of the eels, where she met JC, who imparted upon her the knowledge of feathering with both hands. Meanwhile in Cambridge, Dave went in search of the mysterious “bearded man”, who, rumour had it, could make doubles go faster than could be understood by the laws of physics*. A revolutionary, a wreck, he was found behind a bar, drinking his past glories away in a misery of sorrow. He had but one hint to impart: “to get round the corners, ease off on one side”. With that, he faded into thin air**.
And then the training began. It was clear that mdsdtovad had acquired such skill and capability in the three of four sessions of practice that nothing could stand in its way – apart from corners. Our start was so fast that at one point the river waters evaporated, forming a spirit that resembled the bearded man who proclaimed: “yeah, it looks alright”.
Our speed was to be our undoing. You see, so fast was the boat travelling that a space-time well collapsed the river’s corners into mere fractions of their normal size. Parking on the outside of Grassy corner to admire the flora and fauna turned out to be a silly idea and mdsdtovad lost the first round race by a few seconds. It was a shame indeed, but great fun in the end. Maybe mdsdtovad will return in the future, but for now… so long…
*Message board physics: Max speed = [speed of light]/[erg time*MattOfactor*water viscosity^(number of blues/(lock opening times*wind velocity))] ~ 3 m/s
**or collapsed under the table